The HarryPotterDude and the RedGlowingStoneThingy
by powtronome
Summary: A surfer dude (who has no idea what he's talking about)'s version of the first Harry Potter book!
1. The Harry Potter dude!

**_A/N: This not meant to hurt or offend anyone in any way, it is purely for enjoyment and funny purposes. And btw it is funnier if read with a 'surfer dude' voice such as Michelangelo form the Ninja Turtles. _**

_**Disclaimer: I am not JKR ( for obvious reasons)**_

_**On with the story!**_

**Stone Thingy the Harry Potter Dude and the Red Glowing Stone Thingy**

**Like, chapter one: The Harry Potter dude**

So, like one time, this dude, Harry Potter was born and let's just leave it at that 'cuz you like don't wanna hear all the details about how he came out. Then like, one year later, this evil dude, Lord Voldemort, DUM! DUM! DUM! Who's name I'm like not suppose to be saying cuz, like, I don't know, I'm just not, okay? So anyway he went up to the Harry Potter dude's house and instead of knocking he unlocked the door just by saying "Hello Memora!" (I don't know who Memora is but, hey!) Then the Voldemort dude took a shot at Harry's dad… well, he really didn't like "Take a shot" at Mr. P, cuz, like, there's no gun, It's just a metaphor dude. He just said "I vanna go potty!" and Mr. P died a horrible death, sniff… I knew him well (well not really). Anyway he walked into the little tike's room and was like "I will, like, kill this innocent child and stuff! Muahuahuahua!"

"Will you keep it down!" said Mama. "Little Harry's trying to…What! You're gonna like, have to go through me first!"

So Voldemort was like, "okay." And "I vanna go potty!" and, poof! She's gone. (Man, what a jerk!) So, like, the big jerk like, went after the little dude, and that's not right cuz he's like, little and like a dude and you just don't go around killing dudes, dude! Then, he like, did it again, "I vanna go potty!" But this time, the little dude used "the force in him"… oops wrong story! Okay, somehow, he sent the deadly blow right back at him, hmm, catchy tune! He sent it right back at him, he sent it right back at him! Give it all that you got… sorry about that, dude, my bad!

Well, Voldemort died, or so it seemed! DUM! DUM! DUM! (I love doing that.) But he left Harry with like, a cool lightning bolt tattoo. So he's like, cool for that cuz no one else ever survived "the potty!" Then, like, the house blew up, but once again the little dude survives! Then, like, this really big, huge guy, who's like, bigger than my grandma showed up on a sweet ride, it was like, a flying Harley! (I gotta get one of those!) So the big dude, picked up the little dude, and there was like a huge size difference, even bigger than the one between a dog and a cat. So then they, like, went on the big dude's sweet Harley and were like, flying "(Sang horribly and way off tune.) I'm flying, I'm flying look at me, way up high…uh…something, something, something, something, flying!"

Like the end of chapter one

**_A/N: don't bother flaming, "Fooey to all those people!" _**


	2. The pigman, man!

**_I finally got my own pen name, so I can stop bothering my sister (hp/charmed obsesed)when I wanted to update (because she wouldn't give me her password). In case you haven't read my previous chapter one, then read this chapter in a surfer dude's voice. On with the show! _**

_**Disclaimer: see chapter 1**_

Like, chapter two: The pigman, man!

So, like ten years after the thing with the thing with the killing, and the tattoo, and the kaboom! Well, Harry potter had to live with his evil aunt and like, his evil uncle and like, his evil cousin Dudely "The pigman!" I mean seriously dude, this dude has got to go on a diet or he might not fit in the house! They treated Harry like dirt, man! But only they didn't put little seeds in him or water him, but they did keep them in this tiny room with, like, stairs over it. I mean it gives me claustrophobia, so how does he, like, live there! They made him, like, a maid, but only he didn't wear a dress. They made him like, cook… food.

Then, like, on Dudely's birthday, Harry had to like, cook… breakfast. The little fat dude ('cuz the big fat dude is the little fat dude's dad), he was like, whining because…uh, I don't know, he didn't get enough presents, so they like, went to the zoo!

They like, didn't want to leave The Harry Potter dude like alone, and like the kitty lady like broke her foot or something. So, since the kitty lady couldn't watch him 'cuz of her poor foot, they took him to the zoo! So they like, went to the "Reptile room"… Hey, like isn't that like a different book, by like, a lemon?

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah! Harry was like, talking to like, a snake, who was like from Brazil, but like, not from Brazil, 'cuz he ate bread in the zoo… Or maybe he was bred in the zoo, I don't know which one. Then, the snake started like, talking to Harry, saying that he wanted to get out of the #! cage, so like the little dude (who's really not little anymore) made the glass go bye, bye. The snake escaped and everyone was screaming like there was a deadly snake on the loose…okay there was! And it was like snapping at Dudely's heels but it wasn't actually gonna bite him…was it? Harry Potter was BUSTED! And for his punishment he had to like, cook… food.

**_Coming attractions: Chapter 3 the flying letters from beyond my backyard!_**


	3. The letters from beyond my backyard

_Just in case you haven't read chapters 1 and 2 (Which I recommend) it is funnier when you read this in a surfer dude's voice._

**The Harry Potter Dude and the Red Glowing Stone Thingy**

**Chapter 3, "The Letters From Beyond My Backyard"**

So, like the Harry Potter dude's new, dumb, and boring family, were just like hanging out. His evil uncle was like, reading a newspaper article that was either about monkeys learning to talk and bossing people around or about strange sightings of people in cloaks. I always get those two mixed up! Harry's like, evil aunt was like, cleaning or something and Dudely was like, complaining about something. Kinda like, "The sky is too blue." Ya know, I always have wondered why it's blue. Why can't it be orange? I like orange!

So then, the mail came through the slot in the door, cuz' the slot in the door is where the mail comes through. So, the mail came through the slot in the door! So the uncle dude was like, "Dudely get the mail, man!" But Dudely was like all "But I don't wanna get it!" So the uncle was like "Harry get the mail, man!" But Harry was like all "But I don't wanna get it! So the uncle was like, "Dudely beat him up!" So then dudely made this like, evil smile like in those like, evil movies where evil people do evil stuff cuz' they're like, evil…EEEEEEVIL! Then Harry's brain started to work again and he got the mail and gave it to his uncle. "Let's see…Bill, junk! Bill, junk! Bill, junk! You won a million dollars, junk! What's this?" He was looking at a letter with a fancy looking H on it, addressed to Harry. "Junk!" Then there was this owl outside the window. The Harry Potter dude's aunt stared at it so then it like, flew away. Then she was like, "Am, I really_ that_ ugly?" So she went to like, look in a mirror. Because of that, they blocked up the slot where the mail comes through with like, a piece of wood!

So, like, the next day things got weird. There was this whole family of owls out the window. There was a mommy owl, a daddy owl, a smelly Uncle Joe owl and an annoying little Jimmy owl! This drove the Harry Potter dude's aunt nuts. And letters started coming out of like, every crack in the house (All except Harry's uncle's butt crack). There were… let's see, 1, 2, 3… Can't these things stop moving around? I'm trying to count em man! I give up. The point is that there was like, a lot and they were all addressed to Harry, with the H on it. Dude. Pretty soon these letters are gonna start hatching' outta eggs… What? I'm being told by someone who has actually read the books that they like, did come outta eggs. Dude, that's whack! So like when Harry's aunt was like, cracking open eggs for like, breakfast, instead of like, the regular gooey stuff or like, baby chickens, there were like, those letters again.

Then one day when everyone was just like, hanging out, there were like a gaziballilion owls out on their property. They were just pooping on the roof, blocking the satellite dish reception, dropping letters in the chimney, making a huge racket and dropping letters in the chimney. I'm surprised the uncle dude didn't take out a Rifle 6000 and start shooting them. then like a whole lotta those letters I keep talking about came out of the fireplace. They got sick of this so they like, Went to a house in the middle of nowhere!

_Coming soon to a computer screen near you: Chapter 4 "The big dude again!"_


	4. The Big Dude Again

_A/N: I'm sorry it took so freakin' long for me to update. I've just been really, really busy with school and stuff. So read this in a surfer dude voice, blah, blah, blah... on with the show!_

**The Harry Potter Dude And The Red Glowing Stone Thingy**

Like, chapter 4:

"The Big Dude Again!"

So, like the place in the middle of nowhere was like, really creepy, man! I mean I wouldn't send my worst enemy in there… okay, maybe my worst enemy, but that's it okay! So that Harry Potter dude's evil family, like went to this freaky place to escape from all the crazy letters flying all over the place. Man, if those letters keep coming then the house would like, explode and it'd like be raining the letters with the H on it, or maybe it was a Q… or an X… or maybe like a 23… I d'know! Anywho, it was Harry's Birthday! Yay! But, his evil family didn't like care. Boo! But they went on vacation! Yay! But, it was to that creepy place that they're like in momen...momen...momen... (Dude, they really gotta give the pernun…pernun… the way to say these words, man!) Okay, where was I? Oh, that's right! The pretty skies! Oh, whoops. Anyways, momen… (Oh for gods sakes!) Right now! Boo!

So, like at night, when like the evil dudes are like asleep Harry was up thinkin' 'bout like "what would happen if the creepy place started to like break, and like the whole thing would like cave in and we'd all like die!" (that would be the end of my career telling the story about when this dude, Harry Potter was born…) and then like all of a sudden ther was a really loud knock on the door and the door like fell down and the Harry Potter dude screamed "No! It's happening!" So then the evil uncle dude was gonna take out his Rifle 6000 but only, he didn't like have a Rifle 6000 so he just shook in fear (which is the next best thing!)

"Oh, oops… sorry about the door, man!" said the guy at the door. Hey! It's the big dude from chapter one!" anyway dude, I'm here for the like Harry Potter dude, dude." And then he like looked at Dudely and was like "Woah dude, you're fat! I mean like phat not fat, the one with the p-h." and Dudely was like a lot afraid, not just a lot afraid, he was a lot, a lot afraid, I mean he was like about to wet his pants afraid, that's a lot afraid! Then the Harry Potter dude was like "I'm the Harry Potter dude, dude" "Oh Harry! 'sup dude!" said the big dude "I'm here to tell you that your mom and dad got, like killed by some-evil-guy-whose-name-I-don't-say-in-public, but you like already know that, right?" "Dude that's whack, my parents died in some horrific Rabid Monkey Accident!" said Harry. "A Rabid Monkey Accident!" screamed the big dude "James and Lily, the greatest magic dudes of their like year, got killed in like, a Rabid Monkey Accident? Okay, that's possible. But that's not what happened!" "Magic dudes?" said Harry all puzzle-like. "Dude! Do you tell this poor dude like anything!" the Big dude yelled at the Harry Potter dude's evil family. "Okay then I'll tell this dude the truth. "Harry, you're a Lizard!" "I'm a what!" Oh, sorry I meant that you're a Wizard, dude! Not a Lizard a cold-blooded Wizard." "I'm a Wizard, cool!" "No It's warm!" The Big dude like, looked at his watch and was like all "Holy hippogriff! I've gotta wrap things up dude! Okay, Harry you're a li-." "Dude! You like already said that!" yelled Harry. "Oh yeah, right, so anyway, My name's Haggy, and you've like been chosen to go to like go to Hogwarts school to learn about magic and stuffs. Here's a cake and like, Happy Birthday!" Said Haggy "Thanks, Man" Harry took the cake as Haggy was like, walkin' out the door. Right before Haggy walked out the door he said "I've always wanted to do this…Piggy Wiggy!" He pointed his wand at Dudely, and Dudely like grew a curly tail…Like a pig! "Tootles!" said Haggy. Man, Dudely doesn't like need that tail to look like a pigman, man!

Like end of chapter 4

_A/N2: See, did you really think that I'd let my fans down?_


	5. To Diagnallily

A/N: I'm sorry it took so stinkin' long to finish this chapter because I happen to have a life! So I'm pretty sure you don't wanna listen to me babble. You want to listen to me babble Harry Potter Dude related nonsense. So, ON WITH IT!

**The Harry Potter Dude And The Red Glowing Stone Thingy**

**Like, Chapter 5**

**To Diagnallilly!**

So, like, when the Harry potter dude, like got a scholarship to like, Hogwarts it came with like a free car! Well actually it came with a list of stuffs that the Harry Potter dude needs for Pigpimples I mean Hogwarts, cuz you like need stuffs, because like, stuffs is good stuffs, man. So, like on the list of stuffs there was like books like:

The Standers book of wells, like first grade(So like if you're standing and like need to know about wells than this is a book… that's good

A little Dudes Guide to Transfff…udge (When fudge is in a trance)

Where the wild things are 

The Black Forces: A guide to bad fashion

And a whole buncha other junk.

So, then like Haggy came to pick Harry up to go like shopping for like the stuffs ( the good stuffs) they were like in a boat that had like nothing to make it like move. It like, just moved. It was really creepy, man! But like once they like made it to a place that was not as creepy as the nowhere place or like, the boat, it was just like a place that was just like land and stuffs.

The Harry Potter dude was like (what do you call it?) Reading? Right? K. so he was like reading his stuffs list and was like "A wand and a cat, a frog or an owl? An owl? Do they even like sell those as pets? Can we like, find all this stuff like, here?"

"Sure dude!" Said Haggy "If you like know the right place and trust me, I like… know the right place! I like have a fifth sense for this kinda stuff!" And then the Harry Potter dude said to like the Haggy dude, "Sweet dude!" Y'know dude, do I say dude too much dude? 'Cuz when you're a surfer dude then you gotta say dude, dude. It's like part of the surfer dude dude's code of dudes, dude. So, anyways dude, Haggy and the Harry Potter dude like went on a subway, but the manager said "Dude! You're like, sitting on my boloney so like get off my roll! So, they like took a train! Haggy was like complaining how like the train was moving like, really slow and was like all "Dude! This is insane man! I mean, how do muggles put up with this crud! I mean seriously, man!" "what's a muggle dude, dude?" the Harry Potter dude like asked (say Haggy's response really fast) "it's like dude's who can't do magic except for those guys who pull rabbits out of their hats without a wand, I love those guys, I once got an autograph by a guy named Noodilini, or maybe Houdini, no, Noodilini that happened when I was twelve do you wanna see pictures? Do ya, do ya, do… Air need air!"

(you may continue talking normally or better yet in a surfer dude voice!)So anyways when they got off the like, train, they were like in a place that was like not where they were. And so, like at the place that was like, different and like, not where they were had like one sky scratcher on one and uh… another on like the… uh… other side. And on like, the… uh, middle side there was like this bar. But it wasn't the kind in all those bad jokes that hurts your head when you walk into it. It's like, where they serve drinks but not like, chocolate milk drinks… like, other drinks. So they like went into the bar and like the dude like working there said like, "Haggy, dude! You want your like, usual?" "No thanks Tommy," said Haggy "I like have Hogwarts business." "uh, dude," said Tommy "the bathroom's that way." And then Haggy was like "No, dude! Like, the Harry Potter dude here, needs to go to Diagnallily!" then Tommy was like all "bless my soul. THE HARRY POTTER DUDE'S IN THE HIZOUS"

and then it was like all quiet and then some girl like, screamed and it sounded like "EEEEEE! HARRY POTTER DUDE!" and then like all of a… like… um, LINE!

(non surfer dude voice) cough sudden cough (back to surfer dude voice) Thanks mom! Sudden people were like, "Dude sign my foot" and like "Dude, sign my armpit" and also like "Dude, sign my (this word is not suitable for all audiences)""Dude this is disgusting!" said the Harry Potter dude "I don't wanna sign your armpit. Don't you people have like a paper or something!" then Haggy like took the Harry Potter dude away from the dudes who like, wanted him to sign things and took him into a room which had like a brick wall and a garbage can… with a banana peel… it was yellow… Now I'm hungry… so anyways, the Harry Potter dude was like "Wow, that's it?" Then Haggy was like "Yo, dude! Check this out!" then Haggy took out his chuckle pink umbrella and like, tapped the bricks to a rhythm that kinda sounded like the chicken dance and then the bricks like moved to the side and made a door that hey like walked through.

Like end of chapter five!

**Chapter 6: The Olive Man**: coming soon to a computer screen near you

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	6. Gotsagrin?

_**Disclaimer: Okay, okay, okay, okay! Yeah… I realize how long you've been waiting for this… but u know! Supply and demand! The less I give of this, the more it's worth in value! …ok to tell you the truth… I got lazy! So sue me! Now without further ado, let's get ON with it! **_

**The Harry Potter Dude And The Red Glowing Stone Thingy**

**Like, Chapter six:**

**Gotsagrin?**

So like Haggy and the Harry Potter dude like went through the brick wall, but not actually like through the brick wall, cuz that would hurt! So like, on the other side was like stores, and shops, and like places to buy stuff at.

The Harry Potter dude was like " so like, how many dollars, I mean pounds, I mean **Euros** Do we have?"

Then Haggy dude was like "Dude, I got none of that!"

"so what, are we gonna like, stand on the streets and like, beg people for cash?"

"No way, dude! There's like this place called Gotsagrin, where we can like, get some cash!"

So they like, went into a like, building that said like "Gotsagrin" on it. So they like went in.

the dude at the front desk was like "(say in really dull voice) Welcome to Gotsagrin… where everyone here gotsagrin. Here's your complementary cup of happy juice… woohoo…"

So the Harry Potter dude said to like Haggy. "dude. Remind me to cross 'bank teller' off of my 'what I want to be when I grow up' list."

"Dude, do you like have a key?" asked the dude at the front desk.

"yup!" said Haggy.

"Can I have it?"

"yup!"

"NOW??"

"Oh! You like, want it now? Well why didn't you just say so? Here you go, dude!"

Haggy like handed the key to him.

"Follow this dude…" said the dude at the desk. "And remember… keep grinning… yay…"

so like the Harry Potter dude and Haggy like followed the dude onto like, a sweet roller coaster, dude! It was like totally awesome! Like the ones you find in like, "Seven flags"! The sweet ride had like quick turns, loop de loops, and like, all of the good stuffs a roller coaster should like, have! I mean, every day! I go to Gotsagrin and ride the roller coaster until they either kick me out… or I puke! …Whichever comes first! So anyways dude, they like stopped and they like got out, and there was like a vault and like, on the other side of like the vault door, was like… OMG!!!! There was like shiny stuffs!!!! Lots and lots of shiny stuffs!!!!

"Dude??!!!!" asked the Harry Potter dude. "How many dollars, I mean pounds, I mean, EUROS are in this vault???"

"Oh there's nothing like that in here, dude!" said Haggy

"Heh??"

"There are, however, billions of Sickles and Galleons!"

"Sickos and Gylfies? Works for me!"

So they like filled their pockets with as much sickos and gylfies as they could fit in there! Then, they like went to like, a different vault. This vault wasn't filled with any sickos or gylfies. It just had like a rock. But not like the music rock. Or the chair rock… it was a rock rock.

And so like, Haggy said "dude, do not like, tell anybody about this rock."

"Why not?" asked the Harry Potter dude.

"Because it would like ruin the plotline dude!"

"How would that like, ruin the plotline, dude?"

"I dunno, man… why don't you go ask the J.K. Rowling dudet?"

"Dude, what are you talking about?"

"Dude, I really have no idea… But just don't tell anybody about the really important rock!"

"Alright. I won't tell anybody about the really important rock!"

"Ok, good!" said Haggy "we like, better get out of here before the oompa loompas find us!"

"The who?"

"Sorry dude, wrong story!"

So then they like, exited the building and like skipped to a shopping montage!

So then Haggy said "Dude, I don't feel so good… I'm going to the 'Three Broomsticks' for like a pick up."

"Dude, u mean like a pick-up truck?"

"Uh… no! I mean uh… Shut up! Go to like, a robe shop or something!!"

"ok man, chill!"

So the Harry Potter dude like went to a shop that said "Robes R Us" That's kind of a weird name! The dude who named this must like chat… online. I mean, who speaks like that? IDK, my BFF, Jill? So anyways, he like walked into the store and was greeted by like, a giant giraffe!

The giraffe was all like: "Dude, my name's Geoffrey! You wanna play?"

"Uh… Maybe later… I like, need a robe!" said The Harry Potter dude.

So Geoffrey, like took the Harry Potter dude over to like the robes and then he like, met like, a dude.

"Dude, You're like, going to Hogwarts too?" said like, the dude.

"Totally, dude!" said The Harry Potter dude.

"Radical! Do you like, know what house you're gonna be in?"

"Not really."

"Well, I'm gonna be in Slytherin! My whole family's been in Slytherin! Slytherin is like, awesome dude! ROCK ON, SLYTHERIN!!"

"Oh yeah! I totally know what you're talking about! I'm definitely not lying!" Lied the Harry Potter dude. He had no idea what this dude was talking about.

"Dude, who's that?" The dude asked referring to Haggy at the window, waiting for Harry.

"Oh, that's Haggy, dude! He's like, a Hogwarts employee!"

"Oh, I've heard of him!"

"Really?"

"no."

"Oh, ok! Well, I'm all done here! And I don't want to have to talk to you anymore so that it would like, ruin the plot!"

Waitaminute!! Do you mean to tell me that The Harry Potter Dude and The Red Glowing Stone Thingy actually like, has a plot??? Anyways. So the Harry Potter dude like left the robe shop and like met Haggy outside!

"Dude?" Asked the Harry Potter dude. "What's a Slytherin?"

"Oh, right! I forgot how incredibly stupid you are!"

"Yeah, I kinda feel that way…"

"And how Dumb you are!"

"I'd actually like, appreciate it if you didn't-"

"and how feeble minded you-"

"Oh just shut up! Tell me what Slytherin is!!"

"Oh! Right! Slytherin is like a Hogwarts house, and by house, I mean like category! Not like the house with like a roof, and a basement, and a Bathroom and a-"

"Ok, dude! I get it!"

"Oh yeah! and remember this!" Said Haggy. "Every magic dude that has ever like, joined the Sith… I mean became bad, like, started out in Slytherin."

"I'm gonna try and make this as little cheesy as possible for our audience's short attention spans… but The due who like, killed my parents… did he like, go to Slytherin?" asked The Harry Potter dude.

"Totally, man!" replied Haggy.

"What was the dude's name?"

"oh… uh… we call him: 'the-evil-dude-who's-name-I'm-not-suppose-to-say-in-pubic' or 'You-know-who' for short."

"But like, what's his name? Can you like, write it down?"

"Look, dude: I can't even spell the word 'kat' so like, what do you want from me?" Haggy paused. "ok, fine! The dude's name is Voldemort."

"Voldemort? That name is weird!"

"yeah, well, his parents were celebrities!"

"Ok, so like, next on the list is like a wand." Said the Harry Potter dude. "let's go!"

Sorry HP! You're all out of time! We'll wait until the next exciting installment of:

**The Harry Potter Dude and The Red Glowing Stone Thingy**

Like, end of chapter six.


	7. The Oliveman

**The Harry Potter Dude and the Red Glowing Stone Thingy**

**Like, Chapter seven:**

**The Oliveman**

The like, sign on the Oliveman's door said, like: "Oliveman: making wands and stuff for like a very long time."

Then Haggy was like all "Dude, I like can't go in there since my wand snapped and I was kicked out of Hogwarts 'cuz everyone thought I was like the air of Slytherin. Whoops! I like, shouldn't of told you that!"

"Told me what?" asked the Harry Potter dude.

"Nothing, dude! So anyways I'm like gonna go buy you a pet for Hogwarts! But not like a cat, 'cuz they like, make me sneeze and not like, a toad cuz they're like, so five seconds ago! So, how about an owl? They are like, totally awesome, dude! In fact, I'm gonna go buy you one!"

"An owl? But I wanted a pikachu!"

"Dude, once you get that scar on both your cheeks and start wearing a dorky red and white hat, then we'll talk!"

The Harry Potter dude like, nodded.

"so anyways, I got two 50 off coupons for wands… so if I have two and they're each 50 then together they are… uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh…"

Like five minutes later:

"Uuuuuhhh… 100 off! Dude, that's almost free!"

Haggy like handed the coupons to the Harry Potter dude.

"Well, I'll see ya, dude!" said Haggy and he like went off somewhere!

The Harry Potter dude like, went into the Oliveman's place and it looked like a GASP library! So… many… books!!! Make them go away, mommy! I want my PS2!!! Oh! Waitaminute, they're just wands. False alarm!

Then, a dude who was like, old, said to like the Harry Potter dude: "sup, dude?"

It made the Harry Potter dude, like, Jump!

"So you're looking for a wand. Am I right?"

"Well, yeah! What else would I be doing in a wand shop?"

"We also have some happy juice from 'Gotsagrin'… so anyways, here the people don't choose the wand, the wand chooses the people. And the expensive wands like you!"

"You say that to everyone, don't you?"

"It's a marketing strategy. Shut up! So like, when I give you a wand, wave it and see if it works. Let's see… Beach wood and Dragon guitar strings… very easy on the finger… seven inches. Try it, man!"

The Harry Potter dude like, tried it and broke a vase.

"You idiot! That was a freshly made antique!! Alright… try this one… Whomping willow wood and unicorn hair… somehow those two just sound wrong together… and this better work! That whomping willow wood was not easy to obtain! I still have physical and mental scars from it!! Give it a try!"

The Harry Potter dude did and like, broke a window.

"I'm gonna smack you!" said the Oliveman. "Hmmm… I wonder… yeah, that sounds cool! This one here! Holly and phoenix feather, eleven inches… try it…"

The Harry Potter dude held the wand and he like dramatically held it high and it like, shot sparks from its tip. Sweeeeet! It looked like, so cool! Like pretty colors and stuff… Awesome!

"Sweet!" said the Harry Potter dude.

"Interesting…" said the Oliveman. "Very interesting…"

The Harry Potter dude like looked at him and was like: "Dude. Like, what's interesting?"

"Well, I remember every wand I ever sold, dude! Sad, I know… but it's true! And it just so happens that the phoenix's tail feather in your wand gave another feather… and it's like interesting that the wand's brother's uncle's cousin's dog's brother's cousin's owner's best friend's brother gave you that scar."

"Dude…" said the Harry Potter dude.

"Yup!" said the Oliveman "I expect great things from you, Harry Potter dude… cuz like you-know-who did great things… horrible things that no one in the right mind would do… but great… That'll be $24.95!"

The Harry Potter dude paid and like got the heck outta there! He saw Haggy outside with an owl in a cage. It was a pretty white owl.

"I'm gonna name you… Hedwig!" Said the Harry Potter dude.

"Why?" Laughed Haggy.

"Because you put a 'wig' on your 'head' and I put the two together to make like, Hedwig!"

"But, like what does that have to do with owls?"

"Uhh… I uh… didn't get that far…"

"Well… At least it's a better name than Pigwidgen!! I mean, what kind of LOSER would have an owl named Pigwidgen?!" (A not to Ron's screaming fangirls: I'm sorry about that! I have nothing against him!)

"Well… We're all done in diagnalilly! Wow… School supplies shopping sure took a while! It was almost as annoying as waiting for Powtronome to write a new chapter!" said Haggy.

"Totally, dude!" said the Harry Potter dude.

"Wait, wait! I've got a better one! A rat named Scabbers!! What kind of loser would have a rat named Scabbers?!" (Once again… sorry!)

Then, Haggy like fished through his enormous pockets and like found a ticket for like… A train…

"Here you go, dude! A ticket for like the Hogwarts express! It's like the train that takes you to Hogwarts! All the info you need is like on the ticket! So like… be at King's Cross station on the first of September and like go on the train, man!" said Haggy.

"Alright! Cool! I'll like be there!" said the Harry Potter dude and the Haggy dude like put him on the train back to like the Durdsley's and the pigman…man…

**Like, end of Chapter Seven**

**Next Chapter: The Weasel and the Hermit Crab**

**A/N: Sorry about not putting an author's not on this one!**


	8. The Weasel and the Hermit Crab! the play

_A/N: this is a play format because when I was writing it, It was originally going to be for a contest! But… I didn't finish in time for the deadline! Darn my Laziness and procrastination!!!! Well anyways, enjoy!_

**The Harry Potter Dude and the Red Glowing Stone Thingy**

**Like, chapter eight: the Weasel and the Hermit crab**

**Characters: Narrator, Harry, Ron, Lady with cart, Hermione, Neville.**

Narrator: So like, When the Harry Potter dude was like, done school supplies shopping in like Diagnalilly, he like got on the train to like Pig pimples. I mean Hogwarts! And sat down in like a seat…

Harry: This is like, awesome, dude! I'm going to a school for like, magic dudes!

Ron: (walking to the seat) Yo, dude! Mind if I sit here?

Harry: Sure thing, dude! You can like, Totally sit here!

Ron: Thanks, dude! (sitting down across from Harry)

(Long pause)

Ron: Dude! You're like, the Harry Potter dude!

Harry: Ch-yeah!

Ron: so dude… do you really like, have the like… y'know! The scar?

Harry: you mean the one on my knee from when I was tripped down onto the pavement by Dudely?

Ron: No, dude! I mean the one on your forehead!

Harry: Oh right! The one that like, makes me cool! Totally! (Pulls back bangs and shows scar)

Ron: (looks at Harry's forehead.) Cool! (holds out hand.) I'm like, Ron Weasly!

Harry: Nice to meet you Mr. Weasel!

(Lady with cart rolls by and stops at them.)

Lady with cart: Want some like, candy, dudes?

Ron:(Holds up sandwich) I like, already got food…

Harry: I like, want a Hershey bar!

Lady with cart: (confused) What? Dude, you're like speaking Gibberish!

Harry: Reese's?

Lady with cart: Nope!

Harry: In that case what do you have?

Lady with cart: all we got right now are: Bernie Bott's Every Flavored Beans… Chocolate toads…

Ron: don't you mean frogs?

Lady with cart: (angrily) No! I mean toads! There's a difference!! Gosh!

Harry: (angrily) Yeah, dude! There's like a difference!

Ron: (puts hands up in surrender)

Lady with cart: Cakes made from cauldrons… Licorice made of wands…

Harry: (taking a bite out of a Chocolate toad) Why would I want to eat licorice made of wands?

Lady with cart: (walking away) The same reason you're eating chocolate made of toads.

Harry: (spits out chocolate toad)

Ron: It's okay, dude! It like comes with a free card.

Harry: (unwraps card) (excited) I got a Dumbledore!

Ron: (excited) Sweet! I'll trade you for two Charizards!

Harry: Done!

(Trade cards)

(Neville comes bursting through)

Neville: (out of breath) any of you dudes seen a frog?

Ron: are you sure you don't mean a toad?

Neville: (angrily) No! I mean a frog! There's a difference!! Gosh!

Harry: (angrily) Yeah, dude! There's like a difference!

Ron: (puts hands up in surrender again)

(Neville walks out)

(Hermione enters)

Hermione: EMC squared! Have either of you two seen Neville's frog?

Harry: Nope!

Ron: no way Dude…et!

Hermione: oh, ok! I'm Hermione by the way! And don't pronounce it wrong because everyone does! It's HER-MY-KNEE. Got it?

Ron: you hurt your knee?

Hermione: No, dude! That's my name!

Ron: oh… 'cuz if you hurt your knee, my mom gave me some bandages.

Hermione: It's fine. I don't need them!

Ron: It's ok! They were only used once!

Hermione: (looking repulsed) (changing the subject) so like, what are your names?

Ron: I'm like, Ron Weasly!

Harry: I'm like the Harry potter dude!

Hermione: oh! Really dude? I like, read about you in like… books.

Harry: (surprised) I'm in like, Books??

Hermione: yeah you're in a history of ma-

Harry: (interrupting) Hey, Ron! I'm in like, books!

Hermione: yeah, like I was saying you're in a history of-

Harry: (interrupting) Hey Scabbers! Hedwig! I'm in like, books!

(Pause)

Harry: Hey, were you saying something, (trying to pronounce her name) Hermyninny… Herminin….. Hermit crab?

Hermione: (annoyed) oh! Come on, dude! That wasn't even close!

Harry: Sure it was! I got the "her" part right! And that's good 'cuz you're a chick!

Hermione: (sighs) Anyways, dude! You should like change into your Hogwarts robes! We're like, almost there!

Narrator: so, then they like, arrived at Hogwarts! Like, end of chapter eight!

_A/N: YAY!!! My first female appearance in the story! Besides Harry's mom… and aunt Petunia… and…hedwig??? Well anyways: Hermione will be saying a random fact every time she first shows up in a chapter:) .__ thanks to school and stuff, It might be a little hard to make these so frequently… Why do I even go to school?? I don't need to learn grammar!! Me talk grammar good! Me no need English class!!! Anyways, I strongly suggest you check out the poll on my profile! Pleeeeeeeeaaassseee???_


End file.
